| Paul O’Beirne

One Day at a Time – reflecting on life and death

One Day at a Time

Couple looing out to sunset

All of us reading this will most likely have experienced someone close to us dying; a relative or good friend maybe. You’ll also know that death is never an easy conversation to have with others, but it is a reality for all of us.
Many years ago we were encouraged as a couple in our 30’s, to talk about and share, as best we could, about one of us dying. The idea then, was to have us focus in on that unavoidable eventuality, in order to help us ‘realise’ in the NOW how we felt about each other. As was hoped, it turned out to be a truly ’life-giving’ and life changing experience for us.
Initially, getting to imagine such a seemingly far fetched scenario proved extremely difficult. We chose to visit a graveyard where both of us could sit out of sight of one another. When separated, we prayed for the guidance of the Holy Spirit and were eventually able to settle down into a quiet, contemplative mindset on the process of dying and the death of the other and how we were left feeling. We’d brought pens and paper with us and wrote our individual experiences down.
When we reunited, we were both deeply moved but after a while we were able to pass what we’d written across to one another. It was an extremely heartfelt, emotional period of time, lots of tears, holding each other and tenderness.
But strangely it was also incredibly uplifting and both of us were powerfully touched by the strength of our love and the depth of our faith. That whole experience and especially reading through those reflections, taught us to seek to ‘live in the moment’, value each day together, always try to part lovingly, AND to live our YES to one another ’til death us do part’, and perhaps even beyond that, who knows?

Maureen and Brian Devine

Marriage Matters

www.twoinoneflesh.org.uk

Helping the World Go Round

October is the month when we notice a cooling down. Some wind, some rain and leaves fall and turn to mush. Yet it is the month for making sure our actions are effective and on track; that is, given that last month, September, for many was the start of a new year, new plans and new relationships.

October is traditionally the month of Mary – and Justice & Peace, World Mission, and Prisoners and their families. For us, we find that we need the example of others to inspire, to motivate and to sustain our efforts. We hope that we will be able to guide our children to happy adulthood and that they will see good role models.

Sometimes things go well, and sometimes they don’t. And often there’s no rationality to our response to situations. We can cope with a car breakdown, a theft, … but we can’t find a pen … and we lose control! It takes a while to recover composure and get back on track. We need to remind ourselves more of Mary’s composure in the face of what she was not expecting … pregnancy, forced migration, losing her child for three days, the torture and death of her son.

So, we can ask ourselves and our other half when we have a ‘sit down’† this month …. How do you see me reacting to the unexpected? How might we take on the faith of Mary to be more resilient? How can we play our part in the world for Justice and Peace, for Mission and for families in the most difficult situations?

We are called to be a light in the world; how can we, as a couple, be effective as an example to others, to enable and help other couples and families, and to be role models to young people we encounter? Then we might also help reduce friction and ‘Help the World Go Round’

†What’s a “Sit Down” ? It’s planned couple time, often about two hours, when we sit down, light a candle, ask each other “how are you” … that is “how are you… really” – it’s a time for listening with hearts rather than with ears! Couples in Teams plan this special time each month, everyone can try it.

Annette and Paul O’Beirne

Teams – Equipes Notre-Dame

Tenderness

We know there are times when we need to move on from loving feelings, where the other is always seen in their best light, to a real love, which takes account of our imperfections. We need to move also from disillusionment to the decision to love, to live our deep-seated values with a determination to decide for all time, because there is no room for superficial love. The willingness to love is necessary and one way to show this willingness to love is through tenderness.

Tenderness is affection, such as a hug, a cuddle, a caress. It makes it possible to express our vulnerability, our fragility, and to find a response to physical, psychological, and spiritual acceptance. Tenderness leads us to the essence of the other. It makes us aware of our partner’s existence, an understanding of them in all their aspects, both strengths and weaknesses. In this way, the heart of stone can be transformed into a heart of flesh. In other words, the underlying rigidity is transformed into our essential humanity.

Tenderness is a sweet internal strength, a sign of emotional maturity, a light. It only blossoms in hearts that are free, which are capable of giving and receiving love. It touches both men and women: our profound humanity and our call to love, to intimacy and communion. Tenderness, in its most profound nature, brings together two fundamental, permanent feelings written on our human hearts: the knowledge that we are loved and the desire to love. Desire and tenderness are born from the senses and become words and values: it is with words that we as lovers are recognised in our bodies, our feelings, and our values. And it is by the circulation of words that we will all nourish our relationships and bring them alive.

Paul and Bianca Smith

Marriage Encounter

September 2022